I think I needed the Fall.
Summer was hot. Restless. Fiery. Smoky. Choking. It provided me with a much-needed move and a Canadian vacation. It helped give me ideas, think about decisions, but didn’t give me the drive to follow through. Summer was manic. I have to do all of the things I have to be at all of the places or I am lost or I am alone but that is not real, no, no, it is not. Recently I have felt bitter about summer. The long-awaited sun at first felt so sweet and glorious but quickly turned sour when it hit me that I could not enjoy summer as I used to. I could not do all of the things or be at all of the places. I could not play freely as I wanted. Instead, there is the job. Two of them. I reflect back on it and almost want to cry, because is this it? Worrying, stressing, going from one idea to the other, one project to the other not pausing to breathe or think or be. Is summer only for the young and better off? Am I not young? It should be simple, but it isn’t. I want it to be, but I don’t know how to get there. Not yet. So I continued on through summer, plodding on until the stress is so high my stomach hurts, taking on everything because I don’t want to do nothing until…
Until yesterday. Until today. When the weather shifted and the clouds were filled with moisture instead of ash. When the winds came. I can always see magic in a windy day. I actually took moments, yesterday and today, to sit and be with myself. To not only sit in silence with myself and a cup of coffee but also to read a book that’s not for a training (because oh yeah, I started another of those yesterday) or for review but that is just for me. I’m relearning again and again that it is okay to stop. To completely stop. To cry if I need it but also to sit and smile in the little peaceful moments like watching the magical winds or holding out my hands in a gesture of offering during yoga.
I needed this shift. To shift my priorities, to reset my perception, and to hunker down in a cozy, peaceful living space and move forward with all of the ideas that summer gave to me. Do you feel the change as I do? Did you need it as I did? This next week brings us both a new moon and the fall equinox. I can’t wait.
I know I needed the Fall.